Top Ten Signs you are not going to be nominated for an Oscar
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10. Your movie stars a rooster – but it is not animated.
9. The key plot twist involves making exact change at 7-11.
8. Your story is about a dream within a dream within someone else’s dream within a dog’s dream.
7. Your lead photographer only uses Polaroids and then flips them in a kinescope.
6. You cannot pronounce the letter ‘G’ without giggling.
5. When the director tells you to ‘hit your mark’, you drop to one knee and punch the floor.
4. Your longest directorial film lasts 2 minutes and 13 seconds and it is on your cellphone.
3. The fashions are anything found on your closet floor.
2. Your name is Osama.
1. You couldn’t get Johnny Depp; instead, your film stars Donny Jepp.
Tim @ January 27, 2012
NFL Divisional Playoffs
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I know Houston’s QB is a rookie, but that’s not such a big deal to me. I don’t trust Flacco even though he has a good won-loss record and Baltimore can’t throw as well as the Bengals last week. I think it will be a close game but I will take the gamble and take the Texans in a road upset 16-14.
The Giants come off the win against overrated Atlanta and travel to the rested Green Bay. Giants can run, they have momentum and Eli Manning has gone for weeks without showing the ‘Eli Manning Face’ ™. 7 1/2 points seems like a lot but I will go the other way and give it. Take the Packers early and often, 42-20.
The 49ers don’t have much of an offense and a great defense. The Saints have a great offense and no defense. That makes for a lower scoring game. While that should benefit the home team I just like the Saints ability to move the ball more. Close, short game goes the bayou way, 20-17. If in doubt, I will pick the team that can actually move the ball when they need to.
If Denver loses by a lot will the Tebow people shut up? No, and that’s fine. Does God want Tebow to win? Well if God cared about it wouldn’t Tebow be the one married to the supermodel wife and not TT? Tom Brady is a chosen one as well. Denver can’t stop New England, but New England can’t stop anyone else either. Lots of scoring and I am looking for the back-door cover. 13 or 14 points seems to many to give. I’ll take the Patriots to win, but in a closer match, 42-31. This game above the others depends on Denver not fumbling.
Tim @ January 13, 2012
Wild Card picks
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Denver shouldn’t be able to run or throw and their own D is hurt. I know the Steelers lost Mendenhall but he isn’t the leader of that team. I’ll take Pittsburgh in a snoozer 20-6.
Houston’s first playoff appearance against a game but young Bengals team. Lots of running and ball control – Texans win 21-14.
Saints and Lions might mimic the Orange Bowl results. Brees make his statement as New Orleans cruises 42-20.
The Falcons never seem to impress, even when they win. The Giants are in the same boat, but are hotter now. Project Cruz to have a bigger game than Turner or Ryan and New York surprises us all by showing cajones. Giants 26-17.
Tim @ January 6, 2012
Denver back in
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I swear for 3 hours during that Bronco game I heard an incessant beeping sound. The sound of someone backing into the playoffs for 3 hours. I am curious to know the last time a team scored 3 points at home in the final game and still backed into a playoff spot.
I am also wondering why the NFL is all right with the notion of 8-8 Denver hosting 12-4 Pittsburgh in the playoffs. Yeah, that seems fair – way to show the importance of the regular season – by completely making it pointless.
The current word on Tim Tebow’s passing game? He’s afraid to throw, he can’t lead a target, he takes to long to decide and can’t check off to anyone other than the first guy he looks at. Other than that, he’s great.
Tim @ January 1, 2012
Sad AFC West
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How sad. San Diego has tanked the entire season in their efforts to be rid of your future NY Jets offensive coordinator Norv Turner. Oakland will almost surely set the NFL records for penalties and yards in a season… and still beat the uninspired Chargers 20-17.
Denver will need to win to make the playoffs. As much as I would like to see Denver go 8-8 and either enter the playoffs at .500 or miss them totally, the notion of Denver going 9-7 and being allowed to host a 12-4 Steelers team is beyond crazy. I have to be happy if I am Pittsburgh right now. The crazy TT-Bible pushing fans aside, if there is one team you want to face in this year’s playoffs, it is the Broncos. Too bad Kansas City cannot muster any fight, effort or skill. All the Chiefs have is Denver’s former starting QB, but to be fair to Kyle Orton he has just as little to work with on offense in KC as he did at altitude. Denver will win 30-20 and take the division title in bizarre fashion.
Neither team will be good on tv, unless you are a fan of overhyped televised prayer. In that event, just watch the religious channel until 2 pm local time and then tune over to the ‘Touchdowns with Tim’ show. Over/under on completed passes by Tebow should be 9.
Both home teams are 3 point favorites – take the home teams, over on Denver, under on Oakland.
Tim @ December 29, 2011
Colts solution
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If you are the Colts and you actually have faith in Peyton and want to use him next year, they have inexplicably found a way to avoid the whole ‘do we draft Luck’ decision and hurt his feelings – don’t finish last.
If St. Louis finishes last, they won’t take Luck because they are invested into Bradford.
If the Vikings finish last, it is unlikely they would take Luck- they spent last year’s #1 on a QB.
The Colts don’t even need to take Luck. At this point I’d say just go with Manning and draft for any of your multiple varied needs. There will be fewer QBs to draft next year, but there will not be zero, see Barkely, Matt.
If they show loyalty to Peyton and he gets hurt again next season, no one will criticize their faith in a Hall of Fame player. It gives him a chance to take a graceful bowout (and insurance payout) to retire and then they are in the same boat as this season, but without the negativity.
If I finish first, I am doing everything I can to trade this pick for as much as I can if I have anyone on the roster who is already a decent QB.
Tim @ December 23, 2011
Rating Tebow for real
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The SNL mockery not included, here is what Tebow has done as a starter.
2 scores late to beat Miami, a team that fired their coach.
Blown out by Detroit by 5 TDs. Lions likely a playoff team.
Beat bad Raider team with a ton of rushing yards.
Beat bad Chiefs team with fewer completed passes than fingers on 1 hand – Chiefs have fired their coach.
Scored late to beat the Jets, a team actively trying not to make the playoffs.
Beat San Diego in OT, a team that will fire their coach if they don’t go 8-8 and win the division.
Lucked out with a final minute internception to beat the Vikings, a team with a rookie QB and no AP in the game.
Beat the Bears with 2 scores in final 2:08 because Marion Barber is a complete buffoon.
Blown out by Patriots who exposed Denver as a team incapable of covering any tight end checkdown.
Denver is a nice offense and a nice story – and they are very unlikely beat a playoff quality team.
Tim @ December 19, 2011
MWC in BCS
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Reportedly the Mountain West football teams will ask for an automatic BCS bid soon. Clearly they don’t deserve it, especially with Boise, TCU, Utah and anyone else of value vacating the premises faster than a narc in Sturgis. It could, however, be the precedent for the class action suit they might decide to file. If you force the MWC, C-USA and WAC and Sun Belt to participate in a system that by definition, even if somewhat fairly, bans then from sharing in the profits with no possible chance at the winnings, you are gonna get sued. No MWC school after this season will belong in a BCS game, but they deserve it just as much as the Big East has deserved it for the last decade. If you don’t have a playoff, you gotta let these teams at least think they have a chance to get in.
Tim @ December 13, 2011
NFL Playoff Predictions
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Based on how teams are playing now…
AFC: New England and Houston get the bye, Steelers host the Jets and Broncos host the Ravens. BAL has tie over PIT, but tougher road.
NFC: GB and New Orleans get a bye, Niners host Lions and the Giants host Falcons. The Giants win on Sunday may have clinched the East.
If the NFL abolished the conferences for the playoffs like I want them to do, the playoffs would instead be this…
Packers, Saints, Patriots and Texans get the bye. Steelers host Lions, Ravens host the Giants, 49ers host the Jets and Falcons host the Broncos. Now that makes for some exciting matchups.
http://espn.go.com/nfl/playoffs/machine
Tim @ December 13, 2011
Bowl Season Letdown
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This could have been so easy.
If Oklahoma State hadn’t fallen in Iowa. If Boise had kicked that field goal. If the Cardinal didn’t fall to the Ducks, or fell 2 months ago. If Oregon didn’t fall to USC.
We are treated to a rematch. A rematch that nobody who lives more than 50 miles from an SEC college wants. If LSU wins, it is anti-climactic as they beat them already. If Bama somehow wins it’s ‘We split two games but won the second one’. This rematch doesn’t solve anything. While I don’t think a team should automatically be punished and blocked from playing a repeat opponent in a bowl game, this particular bowl game has no interest to me.
If only Georgia could cover punts or catch passes or take advantage of their chances.
It’s a sad anti-climax to what has been a fantastic bowl season. A national title game that will probably not rank among the top ten enjoyable bowl games to watch. Cotton, Fiesta, Rose, Sugar, Gator, Outback, Ticketcity, even the Champs Sports Bowl (whatever that is) all have more pull to me. Too bad. After LSU wins 37-9 the naysayers will claim Alabama didn’t belong in the building to begin with – and they have a good chance of being right.
Tim @ December 6, 2011
