Tennis is absurd.
I’m not just talking tennis, but specifically the Davis Cup.

I don’t know who participates in the Davis Cup; I just know Luxembourg is part of it.
The Davis Cup is a … it’s a thing. I wanted to call it a phenomenon, but that’s giving it too much justice. I would call it an event, but I don’t know when it occurs so event isn’t quite right either. I’ll just stick with calling it a ‘thing’ and as such I’m amazed by the fact that sports networks ever report about the Davis Cup or its results.

For example, no one knows when it starts or when it ends. I hear of different coaches being named to the teams but I have no idea which players are involved, how many players are on a roster and if there’s some kind of qualifying required to participate.

I’ve never seen a Davis Cup match, never heard any scores reported. At least, not that I’m aware of. I may have slept through it thinking it was regular tennis. As if I know what regular tennis is.

I know the Davis Cup involves teams from all over the world. I don’t know which countries play, where they play, how the teams playing are created or determined. I don’t even know the rules. I would think it’s the same rules as regular tennis but maybe it’s like international basketball, with trapezoidal lanes and wider courts.

I think either John or Patrick McEnroe was involved as a player or coach. Or both. Maybe both at the same time.

I think its co-ed because I recall Billie Jean King saying something about Jennifer Capriati being kicked off the team. So I guess the women have a Davis Cup to. Is that one also called the Davis Cup? Is the women’s cup called something else? The Lady Davis Cup? The Davis Cupette?

I asked my girlfriend is she’s ever heard of the Davis Cup? She asked if that was golf.
I’m with her on that one.

Want me to follow the Davis Cup? Tell me when it is. Hold it on the same days every year, in the same arenas with the same players. They may as well rename it the Nomadic Cup. It’s not as absurd a notion as you might think.

As for regular tennis…no one watches. We only like the young players in hot outfits.

Soon Serena Williams will dress up like Eartha Kitt in full Catwoman regalia.
Soon Maria Sharapova will have her picture taken for the cover of Maxim magazine by 1,874 simultaneous flashbulbs. Right in the middle of her match point serve.
Soon Andy Roddick will date or kiss every actress and singer under the age of 25.
Soon the only events taking place will be majors, assuming that isn’t already true.
Soon Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf’s child will be just tall enough to kick my kneecaps. He will then beat me 6-1, 6-0 using only his left hand.

I will recover at the hospital nearest the next available Davis Cup, so be sure to add enough postage to reach Luxembourg.

The Major League Baseball Most Valuable Player trophy will be hotly contested this season.
In the National League, the list includes Adrian Beltre, Scott Rolen, Albert Pujols and Barry Bonds. In the American, Manny Ramirez, Vladimir Guerrero, David Ortiz and Ichiro Suzuki are solid candidates. Pitchers who will be considered, then ignored for MVP, include Mark Mulder, Curt Schilling, Johan Santana and Eric Gagne.

You know what I hate about this award? It always goes to a playoff winner and there’s no actual definition on the books to determine who wins.

Some voters won’t give it to a pitcher, since they have their own award. Fine, except that no one called it the Most Valuable Position Player award. To be honest, a pitcher could deserve it more than a designated hitter but that doesn’t stop voters from tossing an ante in that direction. Most Valuable? Valuable? To whom? His team? If that’s the case then Steve Carlton’s 1972 performance could be the most valuable in history. How else do you explain a guy winning 27 games for a team that won 59? That’s just absurd.

You got the sentimental vote, the small market vote, the we-don’t-like-his-attitude vote (formerly known as the Ted, now renamed the Bonds and solely responsible for the very existence of Terry Pendleton) the best-player on best-team vote, best-player on a playoff-team vote, best final month of the season vote, et al. We’ve got more parties than a British election for the House of Commons. To that end…a British spin on the MVP voting.

For the Conservative Party: Barry Bonds. He’s always a conservative bet. Puts up good numbers and no one shall question your actions.

For the Labour Party, representing the working class: Scott Rolen. A no nonsense kind of guy, just shows us, does his job, does it very well and doesn’t make a lot of noise.

For the Liberal Democrats: The Lib Dems want to increase taxes on the rich to pay for abolishing tuition for university students. Talk about a party made for the luxury tax! Their candidate is Ichiro Suzuki. Riding a platform that all should be included in the vote regardless of background and favoring open-government, what could be more open than a hitter from another country who sets the record for most hits in a four-year span or hits in a single month? Ichiro is a destructive force in the batters box and on the bases.

For the Socialist Workers Platform: Believing that high arms spending fuels economic boom, who better to chose than Manny Ramirez? The Boston management and wunderkind Epstein couldn’t trade Manny for Alex Rodriguez, leading to the Yankees making the trade themselves. The Yanks and BoSox are the Cold War of baseball, two titans vying for every scrap of technology, equipment, every loose nut and bolt in eyesight.

The Socialist Labour party was formed when Tony Blair moved British Labour Party towards to the center. Their candidate is Vladimir Guerrero. As the league moves the Expos centre of the continent, the Expo-now-Angel was a victim of that yet-to-come move.

For the British National Front: Curt Schilling. Known for representing blue collar workers and the self-employed, Schilling is a good choice here, going to the team willing to pay the bucks, yet still maintaining his right to free speech and to speak his mind.

The Monster Raving Loony Party: Mark Mulder. He’s just a guy who goes out and wins almost 20 games every season. Anyone voting him the MVP is a loony.

Workers Power: Adrian Beltre. Emphasizing international organization, the Dodgers are the perfect example of a team that loves players from all nations. Beltre is Dominican and thus, clearly fits the international mold and tradition the ravine-dwellers enjoy.

Co-operative Party: Albert Pujols. The Co-ops wish to advance themselves through recognizing cooperative enterprises. This sounds like Pujols, who makes Scott Rolen and Jim Edmonds looks that much better than they already are just by being in the lineup. Heck, Pujols even makes Tony Womack look good and that’s no easy task.

In the end I think Bonds and Ramirez should win but Beltre and Ortiz will.

The 1998 movie ‘Armageddon’ is unremarkable. Actually, it’s remarkable in how unremarkable it is. I guess that makes it remarkable. Wait, no, its not… oh, screw it.

The line I like is when Owen Wilson says “The thing that really gets me is people who think that Jethro Tull is just a person in a band”.

That got me to thinking…and you can imagine how dangerous that can be. There’s a ton of bands with names in them, but how often is the name in the band an actually person?

I’m not talking about something obvious like Jimi Hendrix Experience. Bands with names.

There is a Greg Kihn in the Greg Kihn Band. But no Alan Parsons in the Alan Parsons Project. There’s no Sawyer Brown in the country band, no Ezra is Better Than, and remember T’Pau? Shock of all shocks – they aren’t Vulcan. No Eve in Eve 6 and there aren’t even six people either. We won’t find an Alice in Chains or in anything else; same goes for the chains with Jesus and Mary. None to be found.

Chemical Brothers? Not brothers, nor are they named for, mixing, or measuring chemicals.
There’s no Molly with a hatchet. In fact, no Molly with an axe, scythe, sword or any chopping/hacking instrument. Ever heard of Gus Gus? Well, no one named Gus has.
Save Ferris? Turns out there is no Ferris.

Ben Folds Five? Yes, Ben. Brian Setzer Orchestra, yes. Indigo Girls? Not named indigo, don’t especially wear that color either; however, yes, they are girls. Dave Matthews Band? No-brainer. Bush? Not named after the President, but you’d have been surprised if they were – it isn’t like we’re all rocking out to the eclectic tunes of The Rambling Dukakis Masters.

The Partridge Family? That’s a toughie, since they weren’t actually named Partridge, weren’t a real family and, to be honest, weren’t a real band either. Neither was the Monkees actually a band nor were they simian, though it’s possible you’d get more entertainment if they were.

I’m watching a Giants-Braves game. The game is relatively tedious, Braves up 7-1 in the top of the sixth inning, in Atlanta. Nothing about this game or experience is noteworthy.

Except…

Giants Manager Felipe Alou is being interviewed live. In the top of the sixth. On TV.
In the middle of the freaking game! At what point did fans become so interconnected to the games they love that roto leagues, glowing pucks, instant stats on your cell phone, pre- and post- game shows and 24 hour sports networks weren’t sufficient?
During the actual game? Doesn’t Alou have anything better to do? Like, for example, manage his team? Shouldn’t he be trying to figure out how to overcome a six run deficit before John Smoltz gets into the game? What about his roster, maybe a pinch-hitter would smell good right about now. At a minimum he should get after the umpire for a bad call last inning, spit some sunflower seeds and scratch himself thirty different ways.

I know this is a new concept and it’s one that has already seen its day. In fact, it never had a day. No day. Day…nada. They must stop it now or I shall become angry.

Nowadays, television networks place cameras inside helmets, microphones on the jerseys, snap photo replays from underground first base…it can’t be many months until the mobile sideline interview crew goes under the stadium to watch the CAT scan of the recently-unconscious-ified quarterback. This is worse than watching home surgery on The Learning Channel; at least the people there know that their splayed organs will be displayed.

This isn’t ‘1984’, where Big Brother is watching you. This is far scarier. This is Big Brother watching you for no good reason. I don’t think people recognize the magnitude of this problem.
The only thing worse than having cameras follow you around 24 hours a day is cameras following completely unimportant people for around the same amount of time.

California calls them paparazzi, a pretentious word if there ever was one. Only to movie stars and overblown Hollywood egos would the word ‘photographer’ be insufficient to describe the sheer agony they feel when the poor huddled masses that pay their salaries actually want to see a picture or interview before the new movie sequel hits the theater. Hollywood has decided that they, collectively, don’t want their picture taken. Hollywood wants us to pay $11 for the new film, wants us to wear the T-shirt and buy the toy in the fast food lunch meal, but god forbid they descend from mountain Olympus and pose in front of one.

I don’t watch those voyeuristic reality shows; knowing that you’re being filmed dispenses with any pretense of reality. No one shoplifts when they see the security camera in front of them – it’s what you do when you know the camera is unplugged that tells all. What fun is it to be a Peeping Tom when Godiva waves at you as she conducts her ride? That takes all the dirty pleasure out of it. That’s kinda like your girlfriend offering to pay your Playboy subscription. If you aren’t going to sneak around and be coy, where’s the fun in being naughty?

Returning to the current problem invading baseball…how will Alou manage his team knowing that he knows we’re watching? You can bet he won’t be cussing up a storm at the outfielder in the midst of his 0-for-37 streak and he won’t chew out the pitcher who just walked six straight batters. There’s no reality there. His managing will be influenced, curtailed, and inhibited. It will be watered down.

The only thing watered down in baseball is the talent and that’s the way it should be. As if anyone could change that.

The building blocks are here to help you create a web presence. Be it a blog, a family page, a hobby site or maybe you just don’t have any idea.

Well you came to the right place, cause we didn’t know what you wanted either.
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