FIrst round picks….

Atlanta at Arizona.  The Cardinals haven’t won a home playoff game since…something like President Cleveland I think.  Arizona has a vet QB and 3 receivers who catch a lot and they can’t run the ball a lick.  The Falcons have a rookie QB, 1 receiver who catches a lot and the Falcons can run the ball very, very well.  I’ll take the Falcons to advance.

Indianapolis at San Diego.  The Chargers would not be in the playoffs were it not for an onside kick, bad opposition play and a Denver collapse so severe the coach got fired. I don’t care if the Chargers are at home or if they have an odd history of beating the Colts.  I’m taking Indy.

Philadelphia at Minnesota.  The Vikings won 10 games.  Really?  Man, how did they do that?  I have no idea.  Their QB was not the QB four weeks ago.  Philly has huge momentum and an attacking defense that feeds on QBs that panic and throw the ball up for grabs to avoid the sack.  I’ll take Philly 35-9.

Baltimore at Miami.  Ed Reed may be the best defensive back in the league.  Ray Lewis is still one of the best linebackers in the league.  The Ravens are actually starting to run the ball.  Miami has a lot of wins, but few of them came against a quality opponent.  I’ll take the Ravens to swarm and hold Miami to 150 yards offense and win 19-9.

Yes, you saw that: 4 road playoff winners.  I am not afraid to pick that.  I may be wrong but I’m not in doubt.

Not only did Denver fold like a house of cards in a tornado, but they ruined a perfectly good column.  I was all set to write about how they were the worst team to make the playoffs in…forever…and they blow it by getting blown out again.

Only the Lions and the Rams gave up more points than Denver did this year. Seriously, the Steelers gave up HALF as many points.  Now, instead of my great Bronco mocking column I must mock someone else.  To that point, here is the NFL’s bottom 5 for the year.

5. Detroit.  0-16. OO-16.  Ohhhh-16.  Ohmygoddoesthisteamsuckonalllevels-16. It’s not enough for the Lions to get the first pick of the draft - they buried the needle.  Too bad for them there is not one single clearly-defined number one college player to draft first. A couple of QBs, a couple of linemen… and the Lions need about 10 starters. Detroit should offer up the pick for as many as they can get, not just first rounders. With so many needs they should take a multitude of players, picks and cash and plug up the whole team.

4. Jets/Broncos/Cowboys.  3 teams that basically needed one win the final 3 weeks to get in and managed nothing at all.  The Jets started 8-3 and seemed a lock, then lost 4 out of 5.  Denver had a 3 game lead with 3 to go – the real bummer was the humiliating defeat to the Raiders at home.  And Dallas? They lost 3 of 4 when their end-of-season talent-heavy schedule came home to roost. 2-5 vs playoff teams. Simply put they just didn’t deserve it.

3. Officiating.  Some bad calls this year – and the inability to get a call right after you realize the mistake.

2. Coaching.  If the head coach doesn’t know how to manage the clock better then the legions of double-thumb-jointed kids in the Playstation Generation, you know you have a problem. Romeo Crennel makes Art Shell look like The Thinker.  The next time an NFL head coach has any idea when to run for a 2-pt conversion will be the first time they had an idea.

1. Bad teams in the playoffs.  I loooove the fact that New England goes 11-5 and sits while 8-7 Denver and 7-8 San Diego fight it out for a playoff spot.  I also loooove the fact that the teams with better records don’t get the home games. Honestly, can the NFL ever get that right?

NFL – we love you despite the fact you always seem to get so many things wrong.

10. Almost Cheese

9. Bed, Bath and Beyond Usefulness

8. Circle K

7. Suit Warehouse for Big and Tall and Hairy

6. Thom McCann’s Ankle Watches

5. Tutus for Poodles

4. Victor’s Secret

3. All Things Spackled

2. Vera Wang’s Once-Worn Bridal

and the worst store to shop at

1. Ham Radio Shack

10. Traverse the Mustard Mason Bloulevard

9. If I Only Had 3 Pounds of Gray Matter

8. We Are the Lollipop Guild, a subsidiary of Confection Incorporated, a division of Sweet Talk, LLC.

7. Ding, Dong, the Witch has a Persistent Hacking Cough that has us concerned.

6. Somewhere Over the Refracted Arc of Light Through Moisture

5. If I Only Had a Ventricle

4. The Merry Old Prison of Oz

3. There’s No Place Like Home, especially in this depreciated market

2. You’re Off to See the Wizard about his Craig’s List opening

and the number one rejected song from The Wizard of Oz

1. Hey, What are you Doing with that Bucket of Water?

10. And Now For Something Completely Different

9. The Larch

8. The Phenomenon of Deja Vu

7. Vocational Guidance Counselor

6. Say No More

5. Twit of the Year

4. Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch

3. The Bright Side of Life

2. Beast Peril

and the number one band name from a Monty Python sketch

1. The Comfy Chair

Colts -6 at Jax : Jax has pretty much given up the season, Colts have not.  Give the 6

Baltimore at Dallas -4: Normally I’d call this a trap game with Dallas looking to next week but with only two games left they don’t have the luxury.  Baltimore might get in even without a win.  Give the 4.

New O -7 at Detroit: Detroit is hopeless, clueless and will finish winless.  Give 7

Pit -1.5 at Tenn: Is this when the Steelers state their dominance over the AFC?  No, the Titans ignored last week while looking at this week. Take the home dog in a likely game of field goals.

SF -5.5 at StL : The Rams are so bad that they are a TD underdog at home to a team that fired it’s coach.  When both teams stink hard, take points at home.

Cinn at Cle -2.5:  Cleveland is favored?  The Browns shouldn’t be favored over Ball State.  The Bengals have, oddly, not quit on the season while the Cromeos clearly have.  Take the Bengals.

Miami -4 at KC: Chiefs, still, have no offense, nothing to play for.  The Dolphins try and clinch the East

AZ at NE-7.5: New England could make the playoffs or miss – Cardinals scare me and are all but locked into #4.  However, I hate giving that much to teams that can score.  Take the points, expect Cards to lose.

SD at TB-3.5:  Who knows which Tampa team will show up?  I don’t.  But I do know that the Chargers are not a good team and I’ll take the Bucs at home to stay alive.

Houston -7 at Oakland: Another big road favorite.  Expect the Raiders to cover Andre Johnson tight and then fold when Slaton runs over and around then.  JaMarcus is terrible.  Give the points.

Jets-4 at Seattle: Seattle stink on toast.  Their defense gets burnt like toast too.  Take the Jets

Buffalo at Denver-6.5:  Is SD loses the early game this one means nothing but Denver doesn’t want to stumble into the playoffs at 8-8.  Luckily for them Losman is not in the top 50 QBs in the NFL.  Give the TD.

Atlanta at Minnesota -3.5: Minnesota hasn’t clinched the division, Atlanta could win the division or miss out. Atlanta is hotter, but the Vikings are at home.  Take the points but expect a Viking win.

Philly -5 at Washington:  The Maroon and Black have quit. Eagles, for some reason, have not. Give 5.

Carolina at Giants -3: Game of the week – winner is home seed through playoffs.  Everything is going Carolina’s way and the Giants are stumbling of late. Thus…turn it around and take the Giants.

GB at Chicago -4: Only 4 at home?  The Packers are a great team that loses every week.  Right now the Packers should only be worried about not losing to Detroit next week and being a total laughing stock.  Give the points and take the Bears to keep the playoff race interesting.

10. In an effort to prove that Kim Jong Il is still alive, his government arranges him as a contestant on ‘Deal or No Deal’.  Kim only wins $500 and subsequently orders the execution of models 21 thru 26.

9. Steven Hawking hosts hilarious ‘Pimp My Motorized Cart’ sketch in SNL digital short with Andy Samberg.  The video becomes the most downloaded YouTube clip of the year.

8. Knight Rider returns to NBC – on purpose.

7. At the Super Bowl halftime show Justin Timberlake inadvertently exposes the bare nipple of Larry King.  The SEC fines CBS a record eleventy-billion dollars.

6. Fox News Hologram of Will.I.Am leads an election night Roddy McDowell-Caesar-like overthrow of their electronic delegate board, declaring half the states won by Obama and the other half forming a new country of Holomerica.

5. Dreamy Anderson Cooper reveals his health secrets: a no-salt diet and sleeping every night on a bed of romaine lettuce.  Sales of romaine spike by 6000%

4. The Hills.  Not the fact that the show is popular, but the fact that this program is just so pathetic.  The water hazard on a putt-putt golf course has greater depth.

3. The Daytime Emmy was awarded to the new “Carrot Top o’ the Morning” talk show.

2. David Letterman rips John McCain for canceling his guest appearance – then Dave goes off the deep end and criticizes the cancelled appearances of John Lennon, former VP Schuyler Colfax and Pliny the Elder.

1. The emergence on NBC’s fall lineup of yet another police serial from Dick Wolf – Law and Order: Crossing Guard Unit.

10. Blitzen

9. Schnitzel

8. Prancer

7. Cupid

6. Strudel

5. Dasher

4. Donner

3. Stollen

2. Vixen

1. Bratwurst

In an effort to fold (quoting Eddie Izzard) faster than a flan in the cupboard, the Broncos got used yesterday, losing 30-10 to Carolina.

Denver continues it’s efforts to be the first team in NFL history to win a division depsite having the worst defense in the league.

Currently in worst place…

Detroit 0-14, 444 points given away

St. Louis 2-12, 417 points bullied.

Kansas City 2-12, 386 points scored against them

Denver 8-6 366 points pounded out of them.

Yep, it’s true even the 2-11-1 Bengals have given up fewer points then Denver.  Even 3-11 Oakland is not as bad as this on defense.  29th out of 32 teams.  The only thing keeping Denver out of the 30s in bad defense is the NFL not allowing 36 or 48 or 72 teams in the league.

I am actively cheering for Denver to give up as many points as possible.  I am hoping for the Broncos to blow a massive lead in one of the worst divisions in recent memory.  I openly root for Buffalo to find some courage and about 200 rushing yards from Marshawn Lynch and beat Denver in their house next week to set up a final game in San Diego where 8-7 Denver loses to the 7-8 Chargers and personally hands over a division title to terrible Head Coach Norv Turner.  As bad as they are – this is really the only fair result of the season

No, seriously, a soccer post.  1/3 through the Premier League season and I’ll pick Chelsea to finish #1.  Man U has the scoring but Chelsea seems content to beat the bad teams 2-0 and the good teams 1-0 and defense wins titles.