9. The key plot twist involves making exact change at 7-11.

8. Your story is about a dream within a dream within someone else’s dream within a dog’s dream.

7. Your lead photographer only uses Polaroids and then flips them in a kinescope.

6. You cannot pronounce the letter ‘G’ without giggling.

5. When the director tells you to ‘hit your mark’, you drop to one knee and punch the floor.

4. Your longest directorial film lasts 2 minutes and 13 seconds and it is on your cellphone.

3. The fashions are anything found on your closet floor.

2. Your name is Osama.

1. You couldn’t get Johnny Depp; instead, your film stars Donny Jepp.

Denver will need to win to make the playoffs. As much as I would like to see Denver go 8-8 and either enter the playoffs at .500 or miss them totally, the notion of Denver going 9-7 and being allowed to host a 12-4 Steelers team is beyond crazy. I have to be happy if I am Pittsburgh right now. The crazy TT-Bible pushing fans aside, if there is one team you want to face in this year’s playoffs, it is the Broncos. Too bad Kansas City cannot muster any fight, effort or skill. All the Chiefs have is Denver’s former starting QB, but to be fair to Kyle Orton he has just as little to work with on offense in KC as he did at altitude. Denver will win 30-20 and take the division title in bizarre fashion.

Neither team will be good on tv, unless you are a fan of overhyped televised prayer. In that event, just watch the religious channel until 2 pm local time and then tune over to the ‘Touchdowns with Tim’ show. Over/under on completed passes by Tebow should be 9.

Both home teams are 3 point favorites – take the home teams, over on Denver, under on Oakland.

We are treated to a rematch. A rematch that nobody who lives more than 50 miles from an SEC college wants. If LSU wins, it is anti-climactic as they beat them already. If Bama somehow wins it’s ‘We split two games but won the second one’. This rematch doesn’t solve anything. While I don’t think a team should automatically be punished and blocked from playing a repeat opponent in a bowl game, this particular bowl game has no interest to me.

If only Georgia could cover punts or catch passes or take advantage of their chances.

It’s a sad anti-climax to what has been a fantastic bowl season. A national title game that will probably not rank among the top ten enjoyable bowl games to watch. Cotton, Fiesta, Rose, Sugar, Gator, Outback, Ticketcity, even the Champs Sports Bowl (whatever that is) all have more pull to me. Too bad. After LSU wins 37-9 the naysayers will claim Alabama didn’t belong in the building to begin with – and they have a good chance of being right.

VT’s loss to Clemson removes them, as does Boise’s loss to TCU.

I’m glad I don’t need to make this call. Would a Razorback win over LSU overcome both of LSU’s wins over the Ducks and Tide? Does the OU-OkSt winner automatically find a place in the big game? The BCS backers haters are going to have a hard time saying we don’t need a playoff if we finish with 7 qualified 1-loss teams and an unbeaten Houston. Looks like a good 8-team playoff to me!

Tebow, despite his leadership, seems to me to not be a quarterback of the future. In fact, he’s barely a quarterback of the present so all reference to Uncle Scrooge aside, the Bronco win streak put the front office in a bind.

If they started Tebow and the team went 0-6 under his command, they could have easily played Orton or Quinn to finish the season and looked for a free agent QB signing in the off-season. Instead, TT seems to be maintaining his fan support despite his arm. Let’s face it – he’s getting credit for the 60 yard bomb to clinch the game but fans are conveniently forgetting the 3 other times he had wide-open guys for touchdowns and either threw short or late. If Orton is QB on those plays Denver wins a laugher 38-10. Instead the balls hang like clay pigeons and the defensive backs yell ‘Pull!’ and close the gap.

As things stand Denver will likely finish 6-10 or 7-9 if they sneak up on someone. Not good enough to figure in the Luck stakes even if they wanted to and this isn’t the best year to draft a QB anyway. 7-9 would be just good enough to make people thing the TT experiment deserves another full season renewal. The TTE reminds me of most shows on NBC right now – not good enough to get good ratings or reviews but not bad enough to cancel immediately and nothing in the can to show from 8-9 pm in its place.

I am not rooting for Denver to lose, but I have for a long time been rooting for people to realize that no team in the NFL wins without something that vaguely resemebles a quarterback.

8 for 23 passing for 97 yards and 1 INT

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On the plus side, he’ll be running the ball a lot so the game will be shortened and that’ll spare the bad defense the embarrassment they suffered in Green Bay when they couldn’t cover anyone with a pulse and two corpses also caught passes from Rodgers for first downs.

Denver only has 1 more win than the Colts. If the Colts somehow find a way to win more then Denver and the Broncos get the #1 pick, what will the fans do if ElWay wants to draft Luck from his Alma Mater? The fans will revolt and still want Tebow and then Elway will get annoyed that his minions won’t simply eat up every move he makes like manna.

If Denver was smart and had the first pick they’d trade it for a king’s ransom.

Best move for the Colts? Peyton’s doctor tells him not to be a dumbass and retire before he can’t move his head for the rest of his life. Peyton joins on for one season of SNL, the Colts get a Stanford QB with the #1 pick and keep him three decades too late and Indy looks just the same as it was 3 years ago. In reality I think the Colts are just good enough not to lose as many as the terrible Seahawks and the entertainment-challenged Dolphins, last Sunday against the no-show Giants ignored for comedic purposes.

Denver’s best move? Tebow plays all year and confirms what apparently only 7% of us can admit openly –

he can’t throw

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After that the Broncos sign a veteran QB – clearly not Orton since the fans have sailed that ship on him even if he changed his name to Unitas. Denver spends all of it’s draft picks on defense again and tries not to finish dead last in every category – again.

And Tebow’s jersey still sells in the top ten.

I can’t imagine a post-season I would enjoy watching more.

And then all but two guys on the team bat .100 in the post-season. Seriously, Ryan Howard -really- really really needs to figure out how to cut down on the Ks.