10. Your movie stars a rooster – but it is not animated.

9. The key plot twist involves making exact change at 7-11.

8. Your story is about a dream within a dream within someone else’s dream within a dog’s dream.

7. Your lead photographer only uses Polaroids and then flips them in a kinescope.

6. You cannot pronounce the letter ‘G’ without giggling.

5. When the director tells you to ‘hit your mark’, you drop to one knee and punch the floor.

4. Your longest directorial film lasts 2 minutes and 13 seconds and it is on your cellphone.

3. The fashions are anything found on your closet floor.

2. Your name is Osama.

1. You couldn’t get Johnny Depp; instead, your film stars Donny Jepp.

Top Ten Rejected Remakes of Strangers on a Train

10. Strangers on a Golf Cart
9. Strangers on a Subway Train
8. Strangers on a Hammock
7. Strangers on a Submarine
6. Strangers on a Model Train
5. Strangers on a Zeppelin
4. Strangers on Martha’s Vineyard
3. Strangers on Soul Train
2. Strangers on a Walking Tour of the Natural History Museum
1. Strangers on an Escalator

You might be surprised to know that the Amish have an indoor football team – the Pennsylvania Dutch. Here are some facts you might want to know about this new franchise.

10. The coach sews all of the uniforms together himself.
9. The Dutch only play touch football because they abhor violence.
8. The team only plays day games, as they refuse to use electricity.
7. Instead of 1 fan holding “John 3:16″ signs at games – every fan holds the same sign.
6. Games must be played 2 weeks apart because the team only travels by buggy.
5. The cheerleaders were bonnets and have skirts down to their ankles.
4. Team colors? Brown, black and white.
3. The players built their own facility in a special ‘stadium-raising’ ceremony.
2. The team often loses because they refuse to do plays such as ‘hail mary’, ‘long bomb’ or ‘blitz’.
1. The concessions? Butter, milk and buttermilk.

10. Willy Wonka and Solient Green. Seriously, you think the Gloop kid didn’t drown in the chocolate river? And Violet was a giant freakin’ blueberry – you don’t walk away from that.

9. The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence and The Manchurian Candidate. Angela Lansbury shows you the Queen of Diamonds and you enter a trance that makes you think you already killed somebody.

8. National Lampoon’s Vacation and Westworld. Chevy Chase leads his family across the country on some misadventures until they arrive at their favorite amusement park – and Yul Brynner guns them down.

7. The Dinner Game and Scanners. Executives bring idiots to dinner only to learn the idiots are telekinetic. No more executives.

6. Miss Congeniality and The Long Kiss Goodnight. Sandra Bullock is an FBI agent trying to find an assassin at a beauty pageant – until she wakes up and realizes she is the assassin and thus shoots herself.

5. Planet of the Apes and Ed. Charleton Heston returns in a space ship and lands on a planet where monkeys rule Major League Baseball.

4. Bring It On and Heathers. Cheerleaders try to win a competition despite the fact that they are killed one at a time by Winona Ryder.

3. Rocky and Rambo. Rocky wins a prize fight in Africa. The leader of that nation is so enraged that he kidnaps Rocky and the only solider who can rescue him is Rambo. Turns out they are twins separated at birth. (Fun Fact: They almost made this movie in 1988)

2. Resident Evil and Last Days of Disco. Either A: The dead walk the earth, but only until they reach the dance hall or B: The Bee Gees release a virus that destroys humanity. And by virus I mean an album.

1. Fast Times at Ridgemont High School Musical. Sean Penn sings!

Top Ten Messages I Want Jeff Goldblum to Leave on my Answering Machine.

10. Bitch, please!

9. I am the living model of a modern major general

8. You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.

7. Who wants pie?

6. Obsequious

5. Have you met Ted?

4. The atomic number of Thulium is 69

3. Oh, snap!

2. Does this miniskirt make my butt look big?

1. Bazinga

10. Jon & Kate Plus 8, but only on weekends and alternating holidays.

9.  Jon & Kate Plus 8 Plus Jon’s new girlfriend Sherry.

8.  Jon & Kate Plus Block, Sharpe and Levine, LLC.

7. Jon & Kate Plus 8 Plus a room divided by masking tape.

6. Jon & Kate Plus bitter resentment

5. Jon & Kate Plus 8 Plus Kate’s new girlfriend Sherry.

4. Jon & Kate Minus 8 cos the kids cited irreconcilable differences.

3. Jon Plus 24 hours of uninterrupted silence.

2. Jon & Kate Plus 8 Plus a speedy reconciliation in order to keep their million dollar show on the air.

1. Jon & Kate Plus 8 Join the Octomom Plus 14 in secluded anonymity.

10. Tears for Hamsters

9. Hamster & Oates (although Oates is more hamsterish)

8. Nine Inch Hamsters

7. Van Hamster

6. Electric Light Hamster

5. Hamster Supply  (and their International hit “I’m All Out of Hamster”)

4. Bananahamsterrama

3. Destiny’s Hamster

2. They Might Be Hamsters

1. REO Speedhamster

10. Your time to complete the 40 yard dash is 4.78 ….  minutes.

9. You’ve been disgnosed with black lung disease.

8. Your ornithophobia prevents you from playing for or against the Cardinals, Eagles, Falcons or Ravens.

7. Last week you were knocked unconscious by the tackling dummy.  Again.

6. You are wearing your protective cup – but not correctly.

5. You only weigh 113 pounds.

4. The coach says “Run an in-and-out pattern” – you return with an In-N-Out hamburger.

3. Someone hands you a football and you ask what it is.

2. Your lack of depth perception makes it impossible for you to catch any thrown object from any distance.

1. You graduated high school in 1964.

10. JC is maxin’ and chillaxin’.

9. JC can never remember which is the faux pas – turning water into white wine or red wine with fish.

8. JC is not impressed with the new Facebook layout.

7. JC doesn’t know anything about it but really thinks you should be looking at the St. Louis Cardinals to win the World Series this year.

6. JC is not cool with the Easter Bunny – we will throw down if I find him.

5. JC is heading out to dinner at this great fish and bread basket place.

4. JC wants to move his next sermon to the Green Monster seats at Fenway.  Make it happen, people!

3. JC has no use for lima beans.

2. JC just can’t put down those exciting ‘Twilight’ novels.

1. JC admits that whole ‘walking on water’ thing was just propoganda started by those darned Galatians.

10. Fenway Frank

9. Oriole Nachos

8. Los Angeles Angel Hair Pasta

7. Dodger Dog

6. Phillie Mignon

5. Bottled Hot Dog Cart Water

4. Yankee Noodly Dandy

3. Kansas City Royale with Cheese

2. Spaghetti with meatballs and either Red or White Sox

1. Giant Nuggets