10. Your pathological inability to phrase anything in the form of a question.

9. No opposable thumbs.

8. Your name rhymes with Bloaquin Floenix.

7. You keep selecting ‘Nursery Rhymes for $400′ even though it is not an available category.

6. You finished first in your class – in dog obedience school.

5. Your foes that day are Ozymandias and Steven Hawking (so what you will, that Hawking is blitzkrieg on the buzzer)

4. Your entire trivia knowledge comes from the ABC programming guide, 1974.

3. You are a member of the Flat Earth Society.

2. This morning you parked your Geo in Trebek’s personal space.

1. You were selected to appear on “All Dead Languages” week.

10. Instead of handing your wife the baby, you hike it to her.

9. Meticulously measuring everything in the front lawn with 10-yard chains.

8. When your kids argue about who broke the lamp – you go to the replay booth.

7. Due to a naming rights sponsorship deal, your children now sleep in the KFC Bedroom.

6. All family chores are determined by coin toss.

5. Other people’s kids are ‘cute’ and ‘adorable’; yours have ‘intangibles’ and ‘bring a lot to the table’.

4. You wake your wife by yelling “Blue 52, Blue 52!  Robber Cross Tango Fire!”

3. The police issue you a citation for tailgaiting excessively – at the Macy’s President’s Day Linens Sale.

2. You sell season tickets to the bleachers you recently installed – in your bedroom.

1. You’re only human.

10. How many teeth did you come in with?

9. Wow, I’ve never seen that color inside a human mouth before.

8. Hold still, this will just hurt for a minute.  I’m only kidding-  it’s gonna hurt all afternoon and tomorrow too.

7. One shot of novocaine for you, two shots for me.  One for you, two for me.

6. Say, you’re a little bit of a bleeder, aren’t you?

5. We use a new type of soothing, drug-free sedation here.  ‘Rock-a-bye-baby, in the tree-top…

4. Michelle here needs some practice with the new drill so please, just be patient.

3. We have 3 new flavors of tooth polish – strawberry kiwi, mango passion and liver & onions.

2. Hey, which way was this x-ray supposed to face?

1. I think you swallowed my gum.

10. Needlepoint

9. Trick-shooting with his Colt .45s

8. Sprinning in Ibiza under the name DJ Dizzy Pontiff

7. Online Texas hold’em

6. Watching Caddyshack.  The Catholic Church disavows any knowledge of the existence of Caddyshack II.

5. Designing a Vatican City version of ‘Monopoly’

4. His daily morning talk show “Live! With Regis and Kelly and the Pope.”

3. After declaring it’s creation ‘a miracle’, he had the first ever Space Invaders machine moved to his private library for ‘holy research purposes’.

2. Texts his choices for American Idol.     ALL.      DAY.       LONG.

1. He sleeps more hours than a housecat.

10. Creutzfeldt-Jakob

9. 1899 Hoffenheim

8. Aalborg BK

7. Kaposi Sarcoma

6. Galatasaray

5. Sjogrens

4. Excel Mouscron

3. Antalyaspor

2. Galactosemia

1. Fluminense

10. Hates french fries – only eats tater tots

9. His favorite movie of all time?  Clash of the Titans

8. His date for senior prom in high school – Cheryl Ladd

7. Former season ticket holder for The Hawaiians WFL Franchise

6. Has memorized every episode of Gunsmoke

5. Gave up cigarettes for chewing tobacco

4. Hates all Muppets, except Gonzo

3. Refuses to say the word ‘fiddle-faddle’

2. Cheats at cards

and the number one little known fact about Barack Obama

1. Still believes in Santa Claus and the Great Pumpkin.

10 Gain 20 pounds by Valentine’s Day

9. Hasten receding hairline

8. Tell your boss how you really feel about them- through interpretive dance

7. Stop taking online courses – learn everything from that chatty dude at the train station

6. Go to library – ask for books on pipe bombs and then request blueprints for the building

5. Facial tattoo

4. Sign up for more spam email, sign your friends up too, then feign amnesia like a soap opera star

3. Become a professional Hobo

2. Become an unprofessional Hobo

and the number one worst New Year’s resolution -

1. Sing Auld Lang Syne to best friend’s fiance while naked

10. Almost Cheese

9. Bed, Bath and Beyond Usefulness

8. Circle K

7. Suit Warehouse for Big and Tall and Hairy

6. Thom McCann’s Ankle Watches

5. Tutus for Poodles

4. Victor’s Secret

3. All Things Spackled

2. Vera Wang’s Once-Worn Bridal

and the worst store to shop at

1. Ham Radio Shack

10. Traverse the Mustard Mason Bloulevard

9. If I Only Had 3 Pounds of Gray Matter

8. We Are the Lollipop Guild, a subsidiary of Confection Incorporated, a division of Sweet Talk, LLC.

7. Ding, Dong, the Witch has a Persistent Hacking Cough that has us concerned.

6. Somewhere Over the Refracted Arc of Light Through Moisture

5. If I Only Had a Ventricle

4. The Merry Old Prison of Oz

3. There’s No Place Like Home, especially in this depreciated market

2. You’re Off to See the Wizard about his Craig’s List opening

and the number one rejected song from The Wizard of Oz

1. Hey, What are you Doing with that Bucket of Water?

10. And Now For Something Completely Different

9. The Larch

8. The Phenomenon of Deja Vu

7. Vocational Guidance Counselor

6. Say No More

5. Twit of the Year

4. Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch

3. The Bright Side of Life

2. Beast Peril

and the number one band name from a Monty Python sketch

1. The Comfy Chair